Sunday, 1 July 2012

Verbal Violence: Quarterfinals

This tournament consists of eight of the greatest verbal heavyweights in our sport engaging in verbal violence, a competition that only really exists and makes sense in my head. Bouts will be judged on such things as the ability to use puns effectively, swearing, and actually pointing out things that are interesting in a fight. Points may be deducted for unwarranted hyperbole, useless information and ignoring the fighters to talk about people in the crowd, Randy Couture's new movie, etc.  

Mike Goldberg (UFC) vs Micheal Schiavello (HDnet)

The first quarter final sees the UFC's Mike Goldberg take on the well travelled Australian Micheal Schiavello. While Goldberg has been tried and tested on the biggest stage, Schiavello has valuable international experience, having said “Goodnight Irene” very loudly all over the world.

Round 1:
The round begins with both fighters tentatively but dutifully describing the action, in spite of the action consisting mostly of feints and leg kicks. Goldie hands Schiavello an easy opening saying “Anderson Silva like in his use of the clinch is Fabricio Werdum, Joe”, but Schiavello fails to capitalise by pointing out that no, he isn't.

As the fighters engage in a clinch battle against the fence, Schiavello continues to talk about the fight while Goldberg mentions some of the people one of the fighters brought in to his camp. Schiavello tries to bring things back to the fight but Goldberg ignores him, droning on about the troubles at home that one of those fighters has faced. Schiavello interrupts Goldberg to report a shocking low blow by saying “He'll be wearing his balls as earrings after that, try taking THAT back to Tiffany's”. Goldberg is rocked as the bell signals the end of the round.

Round 2:
The second round starts Goldberg reminding us that Harley Davidson is the only motorcycle worthy of being in the Octagon (which explains why Victory are only allowed to sponsor the clock). Schiavello sees an opening in the fight for a solid pun. Goldberg is still talking about Harleys, apparently one of the fighters owns one and... boom, “He's taken more hits than Nick Diaz's bong”. Schiavello lands a clean joke and Goldie is left asking what happened as the referee steps in to call it a night.

Micheal Schiavello via unanswered pun, rd 2.

Joe Rogan (UFC) vs Sean Wheelock (Bellator)

After a shaky start where Rogan shouts “Oh!” at an annoyingly loud volume for little reason quite consistently, Wheelock tells us that a punch after 1:31 of round 1 was the best punch either man has thrown all night and is disqualified for unwarranted hyperbole.

Joe Rogan by DQ rd 1.

Jon Anik (UFC) vs Mauro Renallo (Strikeforce/Invicta/Pride)

Anik is given repeated warnings for timidity before being disqualified in an easy win for Mauro.

Mauro Renallo by DQ rd 2

Kenny Florian (UFC) vs Jimmy Smith (Bellator)

Two evenly matched competitors go the distance, with Florian given the nod by the judges given his superior experience and authority.

Kenny Florian by decision.

It should be noted that I think we're really lucky to have some weird and wonderful personalities calling the shots in MMA and this I'm aiming to playfully poke fun at these guys to celebrate that, rather than out right taking the piss out of them.

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